Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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