Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
