well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
