If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
