I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
