if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
