Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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