someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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