my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
