She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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