I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
