the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
