haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
