First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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