oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
