Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
