if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
