You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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