just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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