Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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