remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
