Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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