The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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