i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
