nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
