Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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