I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
