didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
