Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
