omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
