Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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