I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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