true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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