I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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