I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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