I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
