That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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