i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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