i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize