I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
