There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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