I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
