woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
