my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
