when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
