Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
