Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
