Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
