dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
