Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
