someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
