this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
