Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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