Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It's Friday. Sex?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
