It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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