My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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