There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
