This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
