You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
