We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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