seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
