my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize