so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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