Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
