How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize